Private Journal 01
Mar. 25th, 2014 06:50 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
falenas_fopI am not certain how to start this journal. I could simultaneously fill a tome or fail to complete a single page with my current thoughts on this situation. I have written of my days before of course. Not with any regularity...that would take a level of conviction and responsibility which I do not posses. Even now, I doubt my ability to see this current sitting through. Certainly my thoughts are too jumbled to leave a coherent account on this page.
How long ago was it that I was the pampered heir to a senate seat? Was it truly just a matter of weeks? It feels like another lifetime. A reflection in a mirror or painting of an idealized setting. It felt that way in my quarters at the Prince's castle, and becomes even more distant from this tatterdemalion inn.
Oh! I should not disparage this inn, nor the people here. With the exception of one, oh the cruelty of his jokes! He confessed to knowing nothing of me or the situation and yet acted with such sadistic pleasure! Was I mistaken that the issue was my deeds and is in fact some intrinsic characteristic that shines a target like a beacon to others, but I am oblivious to? Oh how embarrassingly I acted in that moment. How dare that man, to use the term lightly, do such a thing! To make me think that I...Why the things I would do to make him pay!
No! I must not fall back into old familiar habits! I am drifting from the point. This shows how far I have yet to go. I attempt to recollect on the helpful nature of those I have met, and find myself only able to ruminate on the one who wronged me and imaginary vengeance.
I may be away from those who truly deserve my repentance, but that does not mean I should allow myself to cause woe here. I am no less wicked, even if I am surrounded by those who do not know my foul deeds. I will find ways of atonement here until I am able to return and correct the actual harm I have done.
This cruel twist of fate! To take me from my home. After I had just reconciled with my sister and had the first opportunity of my lifetime to reclaim the damage done in my family's name!
...
Of all the topics I could have explored, I have chosen the most fatiguing. I suppose any other writings will have to wait for another time. I find myself in an impossible situation. My sense of purpose, so recently acquired, lost. I must find some way to fill the time. It may not be for the same atonement, but I will find some way to make myself useful here. Perhaps that is the true test. To be helpful and do right without it being a repentance for past misdeeds. To start from square one as a friend to the people, instead of the unfortunate wretch reluctantly accepted into the fold.
A hopeful prospect, even if I doubt my ability to carry it out.
How long ago was it that I was the pampered heir to a senate seat? Was it truly just a matter of weeks? It feels like another lifetime. A reflection in a mirror or painting of an idealized setting. It felt that way in my quarters at the Prince's castle, and becomes even more distant from this tatterdemalion inn.
Oh! I should not disparage this inn, nor the people here. With the exception of one, oh the cruelty of his jokes! He confessed to knowing nothing of me or the situation and yet acted with such sadistic pleasure! Was I mistaken that the issue was my deeds and is in fact some intrinsic characteristic that shines a target like a beacon to others, but I am oblivious to? Oh how embarrassingly I acted in that moment. How dare that man, to use the term lightly, do such a thing! To make me think that I...Why the things I would do to make him pay!
No! I must not fall back into old familiar habits! I am drifting from the point. This shows how far I have yet to go. I attempt to recollect on the helpful nature of those I have met, and find myself only able to ruminate on the one who wronged me and imaginary vengeance.
I may be away from those who truly deserve my repentance, but that does not mean I should allow myself to cause woe here. I am no less wicked, even if I am surrounded by those who do not know my foul deeds. I will find ways of atonement here until I am able to return and correct the actual harm I have done.
This cruel twist of fate! To take me from my home. After I had just reconciled with my sister and had the first opportunity of my lifetime to reclaim the damage done in my family's name!
...
Of all the topics I could have explored, I have chosen the most fatiguing. I suppose any other writings will have to wait for another time. I find myself in an impossible situation. My sense of purpose, so recently acquired, lost. I must find some way to fill the time. It may not be for the same atonement, but I will find some way to make myself useful here. Perhaps that is the true test. To be helpful and do right without it being a repentance for past misdeeds. To start from square one as a friend to the people, instead of the unfortunate wretch reluctantly accepted into the fold.
A hopeful prospect, even if I doubt my ability to carry it out.